Breathe Again
by evitascarlett
Summary: A story from the Apologize/Redemption Universe: It's Johanna's second January home but as the ninth sets in, they all still find it hard to breathe and break away from the stigma of the date; but Jim wants to change that…if his wife and daughter cooperate.
1. Chapter 1

_Author's Note: I swear, this is only a short story, it'll be done this week; that's why I'm posting chapter 1 and 2 together._

Chapter 1

The morning of January 9th brought rain; the usual flat light of winter muted further by the grey sky outside the bedroom window. Jim Beckett shifted quietly; doing his best not to disturb Johanna as she laid next to him, curled up on her side and facing the window. He knew she was awake; that she had slept fitfully and been awake for hours.

A sigh pushed against his lips but he managed to suppress it before it slipped into the oppressive, quiet air of the room. He had pulled her out of one nightmare during the night…she had jerked awake from another one on her own. She had tossed and turned and he had acted oblivious as he knew she'd want him to…and he had acted that same way when she slipped out of bed at five and left the room, the sound of the bathtub filling following shortly after. She had returned at six and he had watched through slitted lids as she stood by the window staring out at the raindrops that pelted the glass. By six-thirty, she had crawled back into bed, and she had been there ever since.

Jim released a soft breath; it was too quiet despite the sound of the rain…and the occasional sniffle from his wife as she cried quietly. The silence was suffocating and yet he hadn't gathered the courage to break into Johanna's thoughts and coax her to talk. He didn't reach for the remote and turn on the TV to chase away the silence. Instead he continued to listen to the rain drops against the glass; it felt fitting that it would rain today.

It was her second January at home and yet earning her freedom and rebuilding her life hadn't erased the power or the pain of the memory of January 9, 1999. Jim breathed deeply; he couldn't blame her for not being able to let go of the significance of the date; it was the one date on the calendar that made him uncomfortable; as if his brain was still reconciling that fact that he no longer had to mourn the day; that what he had lost had been found and restored to him. It was still the anniversary of the day his world fell apart though; and yet he felt like he could get through it and feel alright for the simple fact that he could reach out and touch her, see her, hear her breathing…and if he wanted, he could lay his ear against her chest and listen to the beat of her heart. The proof that she was alive and well was all he needed to be able to push past the darkness…but it was different for Johanna.

For Johanna, it was the anniversary of the day her world had been obliterated in every way possible. For her it was the remembrance that someone had chosen that day to be her last; and if it hadn't been for a tip to the F.B.I.; it very well could have been. It was the remembrance of the lies she was forced to tell; the years spent alone, the anger, the grief, the healing still to be done.

She had been doing better, Jim thought to himself; her bouts of depression and anxiety were few and far between but as the New Year settled in, he could see it building within her, like storm clouds on the horizon and he had been helpless to stop it. The closer the day got, the more agitated she got, despite her efforts to hide it. She bounced between keeping herself busy with every household project she could think of and being oddly quiet as she curled up in front of the TV. By the time the eighth arrived, she had folded up within herself, saying little, eating little, lost in her thoughts and unable to concentrate on the new book laying on the nightstand.

He didn't know what to do; just as he hadn't known what to do the year before when the date rolled around, and so he had allowed her to stay in bed all day, because that's what she had wanted; and he overlooked the fact that she took a long bath in the morning and then two more showers during the day…and he suspected that she'd do that again today; as if she was still trying to wash away the grime of the deed that had been done despite his assurances that she was clean. She would be sullen and quiet, a shell of the woman he loved…and he didn't know how to make it go away, how to push against the clouds that hovered over her and made her mood fade to black.

Jim glanced at the clock; it was eight…he was supposed to work but he wasn't sure he should go; he hadn't planned on it but hadn't said anything to anyone in case his wife wanted space for the day. He couldn't help thinking that maybe space wasn't the best idea for her though.

With that thought in mind, he moved close to her, his chest pressing against her back as he wrapped his arm around her, his lips pressing a kiss against her hair. "Are you getting up?" he murmured.

Johanna shook her head as her hand curled around his, her grip tight.

"Come on, sweetheart," he said gently. "It's alright."

"I don't want to," she replied tearfully.

"I know…but maybe you'd feel better if you did."

Another shake of her head and silence. "It's just a day," he remarked quietly. "Just like every other day on the calendar."

"That's not true and you know it," Johanna whispered.

"I know…it's a day when bad things happened; but that's over now. You're home. You're safe. You're here with me. He can't ever hurt you again."

"But I remember," she cried.

"I know, sweetheart; so do I…you just have to breathe and try to push away the darkness."

"It's not that easy…it's always there; waiting for this day to come so it can slam into me all over again," Johanna said, her tone soft and husky with tears.

Jim tightened his hold on her, breathing in the scent of her strawberry shampoo. "If I could cut this day out of the calendar for you, you know I would."

"I know…I know it's not an easy day for you to remember either."

"No; it isn't…but I can feel better just by looking at your face, holding your hand; hearing your voice. All I ever wanted was to have you back and you're here…and that makes it easier for me to get through this day. It's harder for you, I know that. I know you still carry regrets and guilt; hurt and anger. I know that on this day you relive all of it, over and over again. I know that its been dogging you ever since the year started. It's dogged me too; because I don't know what to do to help you through it."

"It's just got to pass on its on…I'll be better tomorrow."

"You always say that when you're going through one of these bouts of depression, Jo. You're so used to doing it alone that you don't know what you need to help you get through this."

"I just want to stay in bed," she muttered. "I just want to stay here and sleep until this day is over."

"I let you do that last year," Jim remarked.

"It's what I do every year."

"Maybe we need to change that."

She swiped at the tears on her cheeks. "I don't know how…I don't even know if I want to. I just want to stay in bed."

"Can you tell me why? Besides the obvious…what else makes you want to stay in bed for this entire day?"

She tensed slightly and he brushed another kiss against her hair. "You don't have to be afraid to tell me," he assured.

"I have reasons."

"Tell me."

"It's what I wish I could've done back then," Johanna whispered. "That I could've just quit the case and they'd leave me alone and I could just stay in bed for a few days until it all went away. It's not logical; but it's what I wish."

"It doesn't have to be logical," her husband replied. "What are the other reasons?"

Her grip on his hand tightened. "It's safe here," she murmured. "No one can hurt me here…because you make sure all the doors and windows are locked and you're here with me. I'm safe in this room with you."

"You're safe in every room of this house," Jim told her. "No one is going to hurt you again. We take precautions now; you have a gun, you asked me to keep the tracker on your phone because it makes you feel secure, and I've done what you asked, it's still there…and when you're out shopping or on errands without me, I do check it for peace of mind. You call when you leave, you call when you get where you're going. We're as cautious as we can be; and you've been doing very well with being your usual, independent self."

"I know…but January puts a chill down my spine that has nothing to do with the weather. I'm more scared in this month than I am the rest of the year," she admitted.

"I understand that and I don't blame you for feeling that way…but one day, it's going to be easier to get through…we just have to make the effort."

"I don't see how it can ever be easy."

"We'll find a way," Jim told her. "You can't let this day rule you, Johanna. You can't allow this whole month to have that power over you."

"I push through it as much as I can," Johanna replied, tension seeping into her voice.

"I know you do; but maybe we can work on it a little. We need to make our brains realize that January is just another month…that yes, something bad happened one January and it tore our world apart; but we've gotten it back and it can't hurt us anymore unless we let it."

"I don't know how to make the stigma go away," she whispered. "I feel it…I feel it all over my skin again."

"You're clean…I promise you're clean."

"I don't feel like I am today…I'll never feel like it in this month."

"You're going to have to find a way, sweetheart…you'll be going back to work soon."

Johanna swallowed hard. "I don't think I should've taken the job."

"Why?"

"Because I'm not sure I'm ready…I'm not sure I can walk out the door in the wintertime and go."

"You worked in Wyoming, Jo."

"I know; but that was different…I didn't have a choice…and no one knew me there; I wasn't in danger."

"You're not in danger now and you're not likely to find any teaching law classes at Columbia three mornings a week. You've worked there before; they believe in you and so do I. You can do the job, you know you can…you're just letting this day get the best of you."

"I'll be afraid to go alone," she whispered. "At least starting out…why does it have to start in January?"

So that was what was giving her cold feet, Jim thought to himself. She didn't hesitate about going to the market or visiting…but going to work alone, in the month that robbed her before, was bringing back old fears. "I'll make you a deal."

"What?" she asked.

"I'll drive you to and from work until you feel safe enough to go on your own," Jim replied.

"What about your work?"

"I'll get there; I'm not really on a set schedule. Besides; I'll tell whoever I'm working with that on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, not to expect me to a little closer to nine because I'll be dropping you off at work. I'll come back and get you at lunch time and bring you home. It's not a problem. I want you to keep this job."

"Why?"

"Because it'll be good for you…you'll have more to focus on, and maybe that will help keep the bad memories from overwhelming you. So do we have a deal? You'll keep the job and I'll drive you until you feel secure?"

Johanna breathed deeply; her stomach tied in knots. "Alright; I'll feel better if you take me for awhile."

"Okay; then that's settled. Now what about today?"

"You have to work," she said quietly.

"I could stay home with you," he offered.

Her chin trembled a little. "Could you?"

"Yes; if you want me to. I'd rather be here with you but I didn't know if you'd want space."

Johanna shook her head. "I want you to stay with me," she allowed herself to admit.

"Alright; I'll go make a few calls. I'll be back…and we'll stay in bed for a little while; but then you're getting up, sweetheart."

"Don't bet on it," she muttered as she snuggled into her pillow.

"We'll see," Jim remarked; brushing a kiss against her cheek before he grabbed his phone from the night stand and left the room.

He didn't understand, Johanna thought to herself as she listened to the rain while Jim went to make his phone calls. Or rather, he didn't understand what the day did to her…how it made her feel inside. She remembered the fear, the lies she told…she remembered her world spiraling out of control; a sense of being somehow violated as she was forced to hand over her clothes, her shoes, her purse, her name. They had stripped her of her very being in some ways. They had in a way taken her life to save it; and the memory wasn't one that she could easily chase away.

She remembered the cold; the smell of the airplane. She remembered the tears; that sterile safe house in Virginia where they had kept her until they could place her somewhere permanently. She remembered the smell of fast food and how she couldn't bring herself to eat; how she emptied her stomach until there was nothing left but the bitter taste of acid. She remembered Wyoming, the cold, the quiet; more lies…empty years of an empty life. She remembered loneliness and depression; clouds far darker than Jim had ever seen her suffocated by.

She remembered…and that was the problem. She couldn't make herself forget; she couldn't fight against it. The ninth of January came and it swallowed her up whole; sending her back into that dark pit that was so hard to break away from. She just wanted to stay in bed…where she was warm and safe; where she could smell her husband's scent, see him, touch him, hear him. She just needed to be there, in her bed, in her house, safe from the outside world.

Johanna wished she could forget; that she didn't feel the filth of January on her skin; that she didn't recall that the date was the day that her life was irrevocably split into before and after; that after forty-seven years of knowing exactly who she was and where she belonged; she was thrust into a world crafted to deceive not only her enemy; but the people she loved and herself as well. That wasn't an easy thing to push past. Nothing could be exactly as it had been 'before'…and the 'after' still needed work in some areas. In between the before and the after, was a section of time that was full of darkness and despair; fear that she'd never get back home.

Her chest tightened, her breaths becoming shorter as the turmoil of that life settled over her once again. "Breathe," Johanna told herself. "Just breathe. You're home. You're safe. Just breathe."

She managed to get herself through the attack; a shiver racing through her body as she finally brought her breathing back to its natural pattern. She would be alright…she just had to get through this day; and getting through it would be easier if she could sleep as much as possible. Surely Jim wouldn't force her out of bed; she needed to be there…it was the only way she knew how to get through it…it was too late for her to change her ways and there was nothing that could ever make her feel better about this date on the calendar.

A tear broke free and slipped down her cheek; she didn't like to be this way…didn't like to feel these things. She didn't like how this date could bring back all the fear she had struggled to get through and conquer; that this month made her fear being alone…that it made her afraid to be away from her husband, to leave the house.

Johanna didn't like feeling like a coward…she didn't like that the logical side of her brain could be so easily overpowered by fear and memories. But what more could she do? How did you go about fighting the ghost of the past when it so firmly held you within its grasp every time that certain month set in?

She breathed deeply; she knew Jim didn't think she was trying very hard when it came to the anniversary of the worst moment of her life…but she just didn't know how to give anything more. She knew he only pushed because he loved her…but she wasn't sure she could take any pushing today.

She wanted to be better when it came to this date…but she just didn't know how to achieve that; and so old tactics won out and she closed her eyes, willing herself to fall asleep before her husband returned to the room. She just had to get through this day…this day that always felt like it had forty-eight hours instead of twenty-four…the one day that always knocked the wind out of her.

The rain intensified, pounding against the glass of the windows and Johanna couldn't help but remember that when she was little, her mother had sometimes said that it rained when the angels cried. She couldn't help wondering if that meant her mother was crying with her today. The thought only brought more tears to her eyes and she pulled the covers tighter around her. She was home; she was safe…this day would end, and tomorrow she'd be fine; at least as fine as she could be until January faded into February.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"What's wrong?" Castle asked with a sigh as his conversation was seemingly being ignored.

"You know what's wrong," Kate muttered as she kept her gaze on the paperwork on her desk. "It's January ninth…and all day so far you've been trying was too hard to make everything fine about this day and it's not fine. It's nowhere near fine."

"It is fine," he replied. "Your mother is alive. She's healthy. She's home. She's fine."

Kate rubbed her fingers across her brow. "It doesn't change anything."

His brow rose. "It kind of does…she's at home in the house you grew up in, not at the cemetery."

"That's not what I meant," she snapped, her voice full of tension. "I meant that it doesn't change the feeling of this day."

"It should though; Johanna's been home for nearly two years. I understood the awkwardness of it last year; but you've had more time now and…"

"It doesn't matter!" she said in exasperation. "It doesn't change the fact that something terrible happened to us on this date. It doesn't just go away because she came home."

Castle tried to chose his words carefully. "I'm not saying that you forget what happened; I'm just saying that knowing she's there should make it easier."

"Well it doesn't," Kate replied; her voice taunt with emotion. "The memory is still there; the pain, the hurt, the anger. I remember every single thing about that day. I remember thinking about how she was alone; how scared she must have been, how no one was around to help her. Yes, she's home now and I have the knowledge that she didn't meet the fate planned for her, thank God; but I still feel it. I still think about it; about how scared she must've been…how scared I was. I think about everything we lost and how nothing is ever going to be the same as it was before that day. She's safe now…and yet I still worry about her every single day, whether we're fighting, or not speaking, or as close as always. I worry…because it doesn't go away. It fades into the background…but this day is always waiting to bring it back. This day is never going to be good for me and you just need to accept that."

Castle breathed deeply; she didn't make it easy to comfort her…at least not when it came to her mother. She was always going to shut him out of that small space in any way she could unless he fought it tooth and nail. "I think you can acknowledge the date without letting it drown you, Kate; and that's what you've been doing since last night. You've been sinking into this dark hole and you don't need to do that anymore. She's home, you're both safe; and yes, things aren't the same as they were but you can both move forward. You don't have to be chained to this date on the calendar."

"Yeah, well, that's easy for you to say, Castle; it didn't happen to you. You think that if you talk enough and shove a buffet breakfast feast in my face and make elaborate plans for a night out that you're making it go away, that you're making me forget; well you're not; you're just making it worse."

Frustration flickered in his veins. "I just want to help you through it."

Her eyes stung with tears. "You can't; you just have to let me do it my way."

"Because you won't let me in when it comes to this one," he remarked. "We're going to be married, Kate; you have…"

"No, I don't," she interrupted. "I don't have to give into you all the time because you always think you can fix me. You can't tell me how to feel on this day. You used to be understanding of that."

"Yeah; when we thought she was really gone…but she isn't; and maybe it would help to look at this date as the day she survived."

Kate shook her head. "You don't get it. Having her home doesn't change it, knowing she survived that day doesn't change it. You can't always spin me a story and make it better. Sometimes you just have to let me do what I need to do. Why do you always have to push me?"

"Because I love you," he said unapologetically.

"I love you too…but I don't need to be pushed right now. I just need to be left alone. You're making this a fight; you're making it about you, I'm not letting you in…that's all you're worried about; that there's something I won't give you a piece of; well I don't have to. I'm entitled to just need to do something in my own way…and my way is to be left alone with it."

"So you can drown in a fifteen year old tragedy that in the end managed to result in a happy ending with her homecoming and justice for both of you? You want to spend it alone and I can't help it if I think that's not the best thing for you. If you want push me away for the rest of this day, fine, I guess I can't stop you…but maybe you should call your mother. Maybe that would make you feel better."

Kate cut her gaze toward him. "I would feel better if you would just stop talking about it and let me be. Why can't you just do that?"

"Because, I don't want you to have to feel this way every January when there's no cause for it anymore. She's alive and well…and most likely locked in the house at this very moment."

"I hope to God she is," Kate muttered; her queasy stomach clenching.

"Really?" Castle asked. "You want her to be hiding at home…I thought you frowned upon that?"

She sucked in a shaky breath. "This is the one day of the year when I am completely fine with the idea of her hiding inside the house with the doors and windows locked and a weapon nearby. I don't want her going anywhere on this date; I just want her to stay home where we know where she is and that she's safe. She gets a pass on this date."

"Bad things can happen on any day, Kate."

She closed her eyes. "Do you think I don't know that, Castle? I'm well aware of it; I'm a cop, I see bad things every day. She cheated this date once…she doesn't need to tempt fate. If I know my mother like I think I do; she's home in bed and won't make any move to get up until tomorrow and that's fine with me."

"Your father is going to let her get away with that?" he asked.

"Most likely…because he knows when to stay out of her face and let her work through something on her own. It's what he let her do last year and I don't see why he won't allow her to do it this year. We all have our own thing for this day, Castle. She stays in bed, I want to be alone, and my father tries to make the best of it. We just…we hold our breaths for the day; and when it's over we breathe again. It's how we are and you can't change that. I'm sorry…but it's just the way it is; so please…just back off about it, alright?"

He sighed deeply. "I can't help it that I want to be the person to help you get through things, Kate. You always want to do everything yourself."

"That's not true," she retorted. "If it was, you wouldn't still be here."

"Beckett," Gates stated, appearing at the side of the desk without their notice.

"Captain," she said, her stomach tightening further; wondering how much of the argument she had overheard.

"Can I see you for a moment?"

"Yeah," she said, pushing herself out her chair and following the captain to the side of the room. "Something wrong, Sir?"

Gates studied her for the briefest moment. "I overheard most of your conversation."

"I'm sorry, Sir. I didn't mean for Castle and I to have an argument about a personal matter. It won't happen again."

"I'm willing to overlook that this time," Gates said; "It could be said that I could've avoided knowing it was turning into an argument if I had kept walking."

Kate cringed. "You're not sending me back to therapy are you? Because I'm fine…it's just the day; I'll be over it tomorrow, I swear."

Gates shook her head. "No; I'm not sending you back to therapy…I don't think anything will ever erase the feeling of this date for you and your parents. I understand what you were saying…that some things you need to work out on your own; so I think you should do that."

She eyed her captain warily. "Meaning?"

"Meaning that I want you to take the rest of the day off; it's quiet around here today. Go home; take some time for yourself; do what you need to do to get through this day and start fresh tomorrow."

"I don't have to go home; I'm fine."

Gates gave her a small hint of a smile. "You're not…and it's okay that you're not. Go home. There's no harm in taking some time for yourself once in awhile, Kate. I can make the argument that I don't feel you're doing anyone any good by being here today but it won't make you feel any better and I really don't want to have to dig into the box of lectures and demands. Take the rest of today and take care of yourself…alone, like you want…and then, after you've spent some time alone; go see your mother. She might need your visit as much as you do."

Kate shifted on her feet. "I could stay though…I mean, there's really not…"

Sternness returned to her captain's face. "Consider it an order, Detective."

She nodded. "Alright; I guess I can't fight that."

"No, you can't…and since I probably should, I apologize for eavesdropping."

She smiled a little. "That's okay…at least someone gets it."

Gates smiled. "I can try to think up a reason to put him in a holding cell until morning if you want."

A broader smile broke across Kate's lips. "That's tempting…but I'll just issue and order of my own."

The captain nodded. "See you tomorrow, Detective."

"See you tomorrow."

The captain headed back to her office and Kate headed back to her desk.

"Are we in trouble?" Castle asked.

"No; but she did offer to put you in a holding cell…I've declined for now," she stated as she set about shutting down her computer.

"What are you doing?"

"She's sending me home for the rest of the day."

Castle smiled. "Free half day; what do you want to do?"

Kate met his eye. "I'm going home, to my apartment, alone."

"But…"

"No," she interrupted. "I'm going home alone this time, Castle. I might come over sometime tonight; for now I just need space."

"You should've been an astronaut," he muttered.

She glared at him. "I know you want to help me; so help me by letting me do what I need to do. Can you just do that? I would appreciate that way more than you trying to suddenly smother me because you don't like how I act on this date. I know it bothers you. I know you don't like it; but sometimes I know what's best for myself and if you're going to be my husband, I would appreciate it if you could accept that. Can you help me by doing that?"

"Fine," Castle replied. "May I at least call?"

"Not right away; maybe tonight."

"You don't make it easy, Kate."

"Neither do you," she remarked as she gathered up her belongings. "But tomorrow will be better; I promise."

He managed a smile for her. "I'll hold you to that."

She gave a nod as she leaned toward him and brushed a kiss against his lips. "I love you…and needing space doesn't take anything away from that so remember that when you're at home stewing in front of your laptop, okay?"

"Okay," he said with a quiet laugh. "But I worry."

"Don't worry…I'm fine. I promise," Kate remarked as she moved away from her desk and headed for the elevator. He didn't follow her and she felt some of the tension easing from her shoulders; she could get through this day better at home…where she didn't have to pretend. Where she could cry, where she could feel the way she wanted to feel without explanation or demands. She just had to get through what was left of the day and then she could breathe again.


	3. Chapter 3

_Author's Note: Thanks for your reviews. As soon as the last chapter is finished, I'll post it...it might be very late tonight, but it's half way finished right now._

Chapter 3

"You tricked me," Johanna said later that day as she sat a bowl of cat food down on the kitchen floor and watched her cat attack it with her usual gusto.

"What are you talking about?" Jim asked.

"You told me Scarlett wouldn't eat."

"She wouldn't."

"She can't eat when there's no food in the dish," she remarked.

"I got the food out of the cupboard and she ran away," Jim stated; "Usually she runs toward it; that's how I knew she wouldn't eat unless you were the one to feed her."

Johanna eyed him. "Liar. You picked her up and carried her upstairs and told her to meow at me until I got up to do it myself."

He smiled. "Can you prove it?"

"I think I just did."

Jim smiled once more. "Yeah; but you don't know the part where I told her if she didn't play along, I'd take her back to the shelter."

Her jaw dropped. "Jim!"

He laughed. "Oh you know I wouldn't do that…you'd hurt me if I tried it."

"You bet I would."

"Well since you're up; how about eating something? You barely ate half a piece of the toast I brought you earlier."

"I'm not hungry."

"Come on, Jo. You'll feel sick if you don't get enough food in your stomach."

"You say that like I'm not going to feel sick all day anyway."

"Maybe we should get your mind off of it."

Johanna smiled and patted his cheek. "I appreciate the offer but I'm really not in the mood…check back tomorrow."

Jim smirked at her. "I didn't mean _that_."

"See, it really is an off day…you usually do mean that," she remarked as she opened the refrigerator and searched for a can of Ginger Ale.

"I'll mean it tomorrow," he told her. "But I was thinking, maybe we should go do something."

Her gaze shot to his face. "What, outside the house?"

"Yeah, that's usually what go do something means," he said slowly.

"Are you crazy!?"

"The way you're looking at me suggests that I am," Jim replied; as he took in her wide eyes and startled expression. "But maybe you'd feel better if we got out a little bit."

Johanna shook her head. "No. I'm not leaving this house."

"You're not going to get over the fear of this day unless you do go out for awhile," he said patiently.

"I'm okay with that."

"What if I'm not?"

"You'll adjust," she replied. "I taught you to adjust to eating pizza off a plate instead of out of the box; you can adjust to me staying in the house on this date."

Jim shook his head. "I don't think we want to do that."

"I do…and I want you to respect it."

"I do respect your thinking and feeling about it…but I disagree; and if we don't solve this issue, I'm going back to eating pizza out of the box."

She smiled even as her eyes filled with tears. "I'm okay with that."

"I'll throw the crumbs on the floor."

"I have a very nice vacuum."

"Jo," he breathed.

"I can't help it, Jim," she whispered. "I just…I don't think I can do it. I know it doesn't make sense; I know I walk out the door and I go to the store and shopping and errands and I push away the nerves and do it and enjoy it. But I don't think I can do it when it's this day on the calendar."

"You don't know unless you try."

Her chin quivered. "How can I try when all I think about was how I was supposed to meet you and Katie for dinner that night? How can I do it when I know that someone wanted me to die on this day? That the F.B.I. had to strip me of my life on this day. How can I even think of walking out that door when I have all of that to think about? When I have to think about how it's the one day I didn't get to come home."

"You can think of it because you can think of making a better memory for this day to hold," Jim replied. "What are you going to do one day when you have no choice but to leave the house on this date? What if you're needed somewhere and you can't get out of going? What if Katie needs you for something and it just so happens to fall on this date? What are you going to do then?"

"I try not to think about it."

"Well think about it," he told her. "What would you do if Katie called and said 'I need you, please come'…would you tell her no because the date on the calendar isn't agreeable?"

Johanna wrapped her arms around herself and glanced away. "No…"

"You'd walk out the door and go, right?"

"I wouldn't have a choice; and I can't promise you I wouldn't be throwing up while I did it; because the thought of leaving the house on this day just makes me want to throw up…like I threw up back then."

"Maybe you need to go out today to prove to yourself that you'll be back home this time."

The tears broke free and spilled down her cheeks and he moved closer and pulled her into his arms. "It's alright," he whispered as she cried against his shoulder.

"I wanted to come home that night," she said, her voice muffled by his shirt. "I just wanted to go to dinner with you and Katie…I just…"

"I know," he said, holding her tightly, his hand cupping the back of her head. "I know…but we're going to have to get past it, sweetheart. I'm not trying to hurt you or make you angry. I'm just trying to make it better…trying to ease the fear."

"I know; but I'm not sure I can do it…I just want to be here where it's safe."

"You'll be safe with me," Jim told her. "I wasn't going to make you go alone…I'd never make you go alone on this day. We don't have to go right now…but I think we should at some point."

"I can't."

"You can."

She dug her nails into his back as she clung to him. "I'd be too afraid."

"I'll be with you the whole time; I won't let you out of my sight."

"Tomorrow," Johanna said. "We'll go out tomorrow."

"It needs to be today," he murmured. "We need to make this better."

"It won't ever be better."

"It will be…if we let it be better."

A shiver raced through her body. "I want to go back to bed."

"No; stay down here," Jim told her. "You can watch TV in the living room like always. It'll be time for Temptation Lane soon…I'll watch it with you, okay?"

Johanna nodded as she pulled herself out of his arms. "You won't make fun of the plot lines, will you?"

He shook his head. "Not today."

"Alright," she relented; figuring she could make herself doze off on the couch just as easily as she could in bed.

Jim eyed her knowingly. "I know you want to sleep through this day…and I might let you doze off for a few minutes; but it's not going to be as long as you want."

She breathed deeply. "Are you sure you don't want to go to work?"

He smiled. "You're not getting rid of me so you can sleep undisturbed…one of the main reasons I married you was so I could keep you awake."

A short laugh crossed her lips before the tears choked her voice once again. "I told you not today," she tried to say lightly; but she had a feeling she was failing.

Jim brushed a tear off her cheek. "That's alright; you're always worth the wait."

"I'm a mess," she muttered, laying her head against his chest.

"It's okay," he told her; "I don't mind; we'll get through it and we'll fix it. We're going to make this year the last year that it's this difficult."

"You have more faith in that than I do," Johanna whispered.

"That's okay; I can believe for both of us. Get your drink and your cat, let's go relax for awhile and then we'll revisit the discussion."

"I hate the sound of that," she murmured.

"I know…but you know that everything I do, I do because I love you; right?"

Johanna nodded. "Yeah…I love you too."

"Then that's the only thing you need to remember on this day and every day that follows it. I love you and what happened then doesn't have power over us anymore. We get through it."

It did have power over her, she couldn't help but think; but she wanted to believe in all the things he said; wanted to envision a time when this day wouldn't haunt her so badly…but she couldn't see how it could ever be that way.

"Come on," Jim said as he wrapped an arm around her. "Let's go sit down."

"Can you turn the heat up; I'm cold," she said, pulling her robe across her nightgown and tying it.

"That's because you're running around in your nightgown…you'd be warmer if you got dressed."

"Usually you tell me I'll be warmer if I take them off," she commented out of habit.

Jim smiled. "Yeah; but you've already turned me down twice, I didn't want to go for a third time."

"Yeah," she said with a nod; "That might hurt your ego."

"It would; and then you'd have to spend a lot of time tomorrow making _me_ feel better."

She allowed a smile to touch her lips. "You always make me laugh even when I don't want to."

"That's what I'm here for," he replied as he brushed a kiss against her temple. "I'll turn the heat up until you get dressed later."

"I wasn't really planning on getting dressed today," she remarked.

"Well now you can plan on it," Jim stated as he headed for the thermostat. "I told you; we're going to make it better…little things at a time throughout the day."

Johanna sighed deeply but didn't dispute his statement…it was hard to fight him when she didn't feel up to the battle; even harder when he was as determined as he was. She would try some things if it made him happy…but she hoped the topic of going out what closed…because she wasn't sure she could do that.

* * *

Kate was curled up on her couch, a glass of wine within reach and Temptation Lane on her television. She felt more at ease than she had been at the precinct; the pressure of trying to be normal removed, allowing her to give in to the multitude of emotions that hounded her. She had allowed herself time to cry…allowed herself moments of anger and then moments of thankfulness. She had busied herself with laundry and straightening out things in her closet. It was mundane household work…but it better suited her mood than her paperwork that she had left behind to be taken care of tomorrow.

She felt more settled now; at least as settled as she could be on the day in question and Castle was thankfully allowing her to have her space as she requested. She still hadn't called her mother though…and her mother hadn't called her either. Kate didn't blame her for not being the one to reach out; after all, she had done a pretty good job at times at insinuating to her mother that she should allow her to initiate the contact…and her mother, for the most part, had been abiding by that idea. Things weren't always great between them…something that made her ache even more on this day as she remembered how badly she had missed her, how she had mourned and wished and dreaded moments spent without her. She had her back now…and things just didn't always work out between them and she inevitably felt guilty in one way or another.

It wasn't easy, Kate mused…it just wasn't easy to find balance after a long separation and a hard dose of reality; of learning that her mother was a mere woman and not the superhero she had believed all her life…and she was sure it was just as difficult for her mother to realize that she wasn't the girl she had left behind in the name of safety. They had their clashes…their downright battles…and she could admit that sometimes she held her at arms length; but today…on this day, there was a part of her that wanted nothing more than to go home and curl up next to her; breathe in her scent and reassure herself that the world was right again. She could do it; she knew she wouldn't be shunned or turned away; but for some reason, she couldn't allow herself the privilege; as if it meant she wasn't as strong as she thought…or as grown up as she thought despite her age.

Why did it have to be so difficult? Why couldn't the past just go away and let them alone; let them just remember the good and let the evil fade away so they could breathe normally in all months of the year.

Kate figured she knew the answer to that; it wouldn't go away because they wouldn't let it. For some reason they were a part of a family who held tightly to every bad moment as well as the good. They couldn't escape; found it hard to push through certain things when the wounds ran so deep. They dwelled. They mourned. They allowed it to take over for the course of twenty-four hours and in the course of that time; they wallowed and punished themselves by trying to hide from the world.

It wasn't the right thing to do…but she couldn't say it was entirely wrong either.

Kate breathed deeply; her fingers itching to reach for the phone. She could call her…better yet; she could just go see her. She wanted her mother and she could have her mother; if she'd just break free from the notion of needing to be isolated in order to deal with the day.

But she worried…if they wallowed together in the misery of the date; would it make it worse…or would it make it better? She wasn't sure she could stomach worse.

* * *

Later that day, Jim slipped away from Johanna as she napped on the couch. He had made up his mind; the only way any of them was going to get through this day was to face the fear…to face what didn't happen that day. She wouldn't be happy…she'd probably fight him and he'd have to be stern to win, and if all worked out, his ace card would bring him a victory. He picked up his phone from the coffee table and headed for the kitchen, finding his daughter's number as he did so.

"Katie; are you busy?" he asked when she answered.

"No; is something wrong?" she asked; a tremor of panic in her voice.

"Nothing's wrong…but I want you to do something for me…and for your mother."

"What?" Kate asked, worry still in her tone.

"I'm sure that this day is just as difficult for you as it is for your mother and I," he remarked; "But I think the only way we're going to get through it is if we face it."

"Meaning what, Dad?"

"Meaning…I want you to meet us for dinner."

"At the house?"

"No…out; we're going to eat out."

Kate was quiet for a long moment. "I don't see Mom agreeing to that and I don't blame her."

"She's going to agree when I tell her…and I want you to agree. I need you to do this for me, Katie. I think it's best for all of us…we need to go; we need to have dinner together, we need to know that everyone got there and home safely and that this is just a day on the calendar that we hate but that we can deal with besides staying in bed and falling off the radar…so please; do this one favor for me. Come to dinner…keep the topics light…it's for you and me just as much as it is for her."

"Dad," she said softly. "I don't want her to go out on this day anymore than she probably wants to."

"I know; and that's a problem that we need to resolve. Please, Katie."

She swallowed hard, a hundred butterflies fluttering in her stomach. "Alright," she answered; her voice shaky. "What restaurant?"

"Castile's," he replied.

Her heart thudded against her ribs; that was the restaurant they were supposed to meet at fifteen years before; one of their favorite Italian places. "No, Dad…not there…I can't go there; I haven't been there since that night…"

"Neither have I," Jim said patiently; "Your mother hasn't been there either…but I think we need to go there and face it. We don't have to go back after tonight…but we need to have the dinner we were supposed to have that night."

"I don't know if I can," Kate said, her voice cracking.

"I know it's not easy…it doesn't make me feel all the great inside either; but she's going to be in the car with me; I'm making sure she gets there and I want you there. You can do this, Katie. You're brave…if I can get her in the car, then we can walk into the restaurant."

A tear leaked free and trailed down her cheek. "Do we have to sit at the same table?"

"No; we'll get a table in the back."

Her stomach was twisted into so many knots she wasn't sure how she'd be able to eat, but she felt like she couldn't tell him no…that maybe they did need to do this. "What time?"

"Six," Jim answered. "Do you want us to pick you up or do you want to meet us there?"

She breathed deeply. "I'll meet you there."

"You will show up?"

"I promise," she whispered.

"Will you be alright, Katie?"

"Yeah; I'll be fine…as long as everything goes okay and I know she got home safely."

"She will," Jim assured; "But you can always follow us home if you want to be sure."

"Maybe I will," she stated.

"No one would think less of you."

"Where's Mom right now?"

"Asleep on the couch…she's trying to sleep it away again."

"I don't blame her."

"I don't either in some ways; but there has to be a better way for us," Jim remarked. "I promise it'll be alright, Katie."

A shuddering breath racked her frame. "I trust you…and I'll be there; I just hope it gets the results you want."

"I have faith that it will," Jim stated. "I'll let you go now and I'll see you tonight."

"See you tonight," she replied before ending the call.

Jim laid his phone down on the counter; Katie was on board…which was a bit surprising but he was thankful. Now he just had to get Johanna up and dressed and into the car…and then walk into the restaurant and be strong for both of his girls as he tried to slay this last demon for them.


	4. Chapter 4

_Author's Note: Thanks for your reviews and indulging me with this small little story. I'll be finishing up my Christmas story hopefully this month and then I'll be getting back to the others, I promise!_

Chapter 4

"Jim, I don't think I can do this," Johanna said tearfully as she stood by the open closet door in their bedroom.

"You can," he stated while buttoning his shirt. "It's going to be fine."

"I don't know why we have to do this," she cried. "I don't want to go out."

"I know you don't; that's why we're going," Jim said as he moved closer to her. "You've been thinking about the dinner you didn't get to that day; how you didn't get to come home that day. This January ninth, you're going to make it to dinner. Katie's going to be there, we're going to have a nice meal as a family and when it's over, we're all going to make it home safely. We're going to do this."

She shook her head. "I can't."

He cupped her face, his eye meeting hers. "You can. You can do it just like you do it every other day of the year."

"But this day is different," she murmured.

"Only because we keep making it different. It's never going to get easier unless we break away from it and make it different. We're going to go to that restaurant and have the meal we were supposed to have. I'm going to be with you the whole time; nothing is going to happen. It's going to be a normal evening out, you'll see."

"Jim," she breathed, her eyes closing as tears continued to slide down her cheeks.

"You can do it, sweetheart," he said quietly. "You're brave."

She started to shake her head but he gently caught hold of her chin. "You are," he said firmly. "Look at everything you've been through…it might've knocked you down but you got up and you fought and you survived. You're brave and strong…you weren't defeated back then and you won't be now. You're going to be fine. Now pick out something pretty to wear, we don't want to be late."

Johanna swore that her stomach was turning itself inside out as her trembling fingers reached into the closet and pulled out a black dress.

"No black," Jim said, plucking it from her hand and hanging it back up.

"Why?"

"Because today isn't a day for you to be dressed in black," he stated as he searched through her clothes. "It would be a reflection of what you see this day as…and we're trying to get away from that. Here, this is pretty," he said as he pulled a purple dress from the closet.

"It's a little dressier than I wanted…we're not going somewhere ultra fancy."

"Alright," Jim said as he put the dress back and selected a royal blue one that was simpler and less dressy. "Wear this one; I like this color on you."

Johanna took the dress from his hand, her fingers still shaking as she did so. "We could just order food and have Katie come here."

"No," he said firmly. "Get dressed, get your shoes on, put your makeup on, make sure your glasses are in your purse and let's go. Stalling isn't going to make it easier, Johanna."

She glared at him. "You're lucky I love you."

He smiled. "I know…and remember what I told you earlier; everything I do is because I love you…even when I'm risking your ire by making you do something you don't want to do. Now get dressed, we don't want Katie to worry if she gets there before us."

"How did you get her to agree?" she asked; sure that her daughter probably didn't want this anymore than she did.

"It was a lot easier than I thought it would be," Jim admitted. "I think maybe she wants to be with her mother…so go on, get ready; she'll worry."

Johanna sighed deeply and laid her dress aside so she could strip off her robe and nightgown. She couldn't fight a losing battle. She couldn't let Jim down…she couldn't cause Katie worry on this day of all days. She had to go…whether she liked it or not.

* * *

Kate had arrived at the restaurant five minutes before but she still hadn't been able to get out of her car. She wasn't sure she could do it…wasn't sure she could walk back into that restaurant, remembering the last time she had been there, waiting for her mother only to be told later that she'd never see her again. Her stomach clenched and tears welled in her eyes…why did they have to come here? Did her father really think it was going to help; going back to that place?

She gripped the steering wheel; why did places and smells and days on a calendar have to hold so much power? Why did they have to dominate and strangle you with remembrance of things you wished you could forget? How could they just go in there and have a meal as a family…knowing it's what they had planned fifteen years before. Same place, same time…only this time was supposed to turn out differently; and she knew logically that it would…and yet she couldn't get out of the car.

She hated this; hated feeling so unsure, so overwrought about the idea of walking into a restaurant on this day. Kate shivered, feeling a chill race down her spine and she wasn't sure if it was because she was cold or if it came from those feelings that were choking her. She couldn't do this…and yet she knew she had to; that she was inevitably going to have to get out of the car and walk in there…face the past like her father had said.

Her phone buzzed and she picked it up from the passenger seat and opened the text from her father. _"Your mother's getting worried; are you on your way?"_

Guilt pooled within her; the longer she sat in the car, the more worried her mother would be…and she'd probably think she was delaying herself on purpose to make her worry as some sort of comeuppance for the past. She didn't want her to get that idea; things were hard enough between them at times; she didn't need to make it worse.

" _I'm outside,"_ she typed back. _"I just need a minute."_

" _Are you okay?"_ he asked.

Kate blinked back the sting of tears. " _Not really; but who in this family is today?"_

" _It's going to be alright, Katie. Do you want me to come out and walk in with you?"_

" _No; don't leave her in there by herself."_

" _Believe me; I'm sure it would be a joint endeavor."_

" _I'll be in in a minute…I promise."_

" _Alright; but if you change your mind, let me know."_

" _I'll be there in a minute," she wrote once again._

Kate slipped the phone into the pocket of her jacket and breathed deeply, watching as the rain turned to snowflakes as the chillier air of night set in. She couldn't keep stalling; her mother was worrying and she was sure her mind wasn't in the best of places as it was. She didn't want to be the cause of her having a panic attack…because she had a feeling it would be easy for her to lapse into one…and she wasn't all that sure that she'd escape having one herself.

She took a few more breaths and tried to steel herself. "It's just a restaurant," she said softly. "She's here this time…they're both here. It's not going to be like last time."

Her stomach still felt queasy but she forced herself to push the door of the car open and then breathed deeply as she dragged herself out of her seat and shut the door, locking it before she thought about jumping back inside. The cold air smacked her face, snowflakes catching on her eyelashes as she blinked back the moisture that kept threatening to fill her eyes. Irrational anger at her father welled up within her as she opened the door of the restaurant but she quickly squashed it. He wasn't trying to be cruel…he was trying to make things better for them and getting defensive wouldn't help anyone tonight. He had to have been struggling too…he might push it away to be brave for them, but she knew that it had probably been a hard walk for him to make as well.

The smell of the food struck her as she walked inside, the sounds of dishes and other patrons talking and laughing while she felt like the air was being squeezed out of her body. She forced herself to breath deeply again and to exhale slowly as she forced her feet to carry her through the restaurant in search of her parents. She finally spotted them in the quieter, less crowded back area of the restaurant and she could see from a distance that her mother was pale and slightly agitated, a small pile of shredded napkin in front of her and her hands twisting another as she listened to whatever her husband was whispering in her ear.

Kate felt some of the tightness in her chest ease at the sight of her mother and she allowed her pace to quicken; the sooner she got to the table, the sooner they could eat and go home…where she and her mother clearly wanted to be.

"There she is," Jim said as he glanced up and caught sight of his daughter. He rose from the booth as she neared and held out his arms.

Kate walked into his embrace willingly. "Hey, Dad," she said softly.

"You okay?" he asked quietly.

"I'm here," she answered; "I wish it could be a different restaurant but I know your reason for it."

"And you're trying not to hold it against me?"

"Yeah…not that I'm mad at you…it's just hard to come in here."

"I know," he said as he pulled back and kissed her cheek; "But it's alright; you'll feel better in a few minutes."

"I'll take your word for it," she remarked as he stepped aside so Johanna could slide out of the booth.

"Katie," Johanna said softly, as she wrapped her arms around her.

Katie hugged her tightly. "Hi, Mom…how are you?"

Her mother breathed deeply. "I haven't thrown up yet but I'd really like to; how are you?"

"I haven't thrown up yet either but the night is still young."

Johanna squeezed her tightly. "This wasn't my idea."

She laughed a little. "I know…believe me, I'd rather you be locked in the house too, if that makes you feel any better about it."

"I needed that back up when I was having my dress picked out for me," Johanna remarked as she released her.

Kate glanced to Jim as they took their seats. "You picked her dress?"

"She wanted to wear black; we're not having that today."

"Then I should probably leave my coat on…my sweater is black."

"No," Johanna said; "You'll get too warm; take it off. You don't want to get food on it."

Kate shrugged out of her coat and laid it next to her in the booth as silence and awkwardness filled the air between them. She didn't know what to say and apparently neither did they. Her mother was going back to twisting napkins into pieces and she was wishing she could order a glass of wine. This felt like its own brand of torture for the day.

Jim studied the women in his life, seeing the struggle for both of them reflected in their faces. It wasn't easy for him either; but he had to be the strong one…he had to get them through it. He had to make them see that this was the only way. He pulled Johanna's hand away from the napkin she was shredding and reached across the table to take one of his daughter's hands as well.

"Listen," he said quietly. "I know it's not easy for any of us to be in this place on this day…but we all made it this time and we're all going to make it back home. I hate this day just as much as each of you do; it's a terrible memory for all of us. We all lost something that day, although thankfully it wasn't the permanent kind of loss that we thought it would be. I know it's hard to think of facing this day in a way different than we're all accustomed to doing; but we're going to have to change it. Last year, we were all still going through a period of adjustment; it was hard to fight it and easy to give in to usual tactics…and so some of us stayed in bed, and some fell off the radar…and some let it happen because he didn't know what else to do…but I'm not letting it happen to that full of an extent again. This is where it ends; this is the last day of mourning."

"Dad…I don't think you can just declare that," Kate said quietly.

"I can," Jim said with conviction. "I'm the head of this family and I say it ends here today. We've been held hostage by this date for long enough; we've mourned and grieved long enough. What was lost has been restored; we're all together again, we're safe, we're healthy, happy…and we're not going to do this every time January rolls around; so that's why we're here tonight. Tonight we're having our do over; we're having the dinner, we're going to make it home…and it's going to be put to rest. We're going to learn to breathe again…because that's all we can do; we just have to start breathing again in this month. No more staying in bed all day; no more dropping off the radar; no more allowing it to happen because this day is different. It's not going to be different anymore."

"But it is different," Johanna gently insisted.

Jim nodded. "It doesn't have to be as huge of a difference as it is right now. None of us are in danger of forgetting; but we don't need to be suffocated by this day anymore. We shouldn't have to be afraid to step outside the door just because of the date on the calendar. We've got to let it go…we've got to get away from the tragedy and start treating this day as a regular day that holds some bad memories…but will also be able to be filled with good memories. We can have quiet acknowledgement. We can have extra phone calls; more precaution…and most of all; we could just try to always spend some part of this day together to acknowledge that our family came back together and that we survived and we move on together. We can do that, don't you think?"

"I don't know," Johanna whispered.

"I do," Jim said; "You know why?"

She shook her head.

"Because you're a McKenzie," he told her; "And Katie's part McKenzie and part Beckett…and McKenzies and Becketts do what they need to do and they get through it. We stumble along the way but we get there…and we're going to start tonight. Tonight we start breathing again; we put the bad things of this day in the past where they belong and we learn to move on without dread of this day every year. I know we can do that…but I can't be the only one to do it; you girls need to be on board with me…so what do you say? Can we work on it? Can we promise to make next year different?"

Kate glanced at her mother and slowly slipped her free hand across the table to curl around Johanna's free hand. "I'll try if you try," she told her mother.

Johanna drew in a shaky breathe as she nodded. "We can try."

"More than try," Jim stated; "We're going to succeed."

She met his eye. "I can't promise I won't stumble."

"If you stumble; I'll pick you up," Jim told her as he squeezed her hand; "But we're going to be okay…and if it's possible; I think we should have dinner together on this day, everyone's work schedule permitting, and no, not here; at home or some other restaurant…but I think it would help us all stay on the right path. Is that agreeable?"

"It's agreeable to me," Johanna replied.

"Katie?" Jim asked.

She nodded. "Yeah; but I can't promise not to lapse either."

"We can forgive lapses; what matters is that you don't shut us out and that you show up for dinner, work excuses are permitted of course but we would like a phone call saying as much."

"I promise, I would notify you if I couldn't make a dinner we planned," Kate replied. "I wouldn't make you worry like that…especially with this in the background of our minds…because it'll always be there."

"It will always be there," Jim said with a nod; "But we don't have to drag it out of the background, do we?"

"No," both women said softly.

"Then I think it's time we left it in the past where it belongs. We'll call it our belated New Year's resolution; alright? We're all in agreement?"

"Yes," they replied.

Jim smiled. "That's my girls. It's going to be alright; you'll see…we'll breathe easier once we stop letting it have control and we'll start now, take a deep breath and let it go."

They did as he instructed and he gave their hands a squeeze before releasing them. "It feels a little better already, doesn't it?" he asked.

Kate squeezed her mother's hand, meeting her eye and knowing it wasn't feeling all that much better but they would try harder, make the night what he wanted it to be and work their way up to being better when the date rolled around again. "Yeah; it's a little better," she said as she let go of her mother's hand.

Jim glanced to his wife. "Jo?"

"I still feel a little nauseated but I'll be fine."

He smiled and brushed a kiss against her lips. "You feel sick because you've barely ate; we'll get a waiter over here, get food and drinks ordered and your stomach will feel better before we leave…because you are going to eat, even if I have to feed it to you…and you really don't want people to see me force feeding you, do you?"

"No…for all I know a future student could be in here and I don't need that kind of heckling as soon as I start my job."

"That's my girl," he said, patting her knee.

Kate sucked in a soft breath, pushing bad memories away and inserted herself into the conversation. "Are you excited to start your job, Mom?"

"Not really," she admitted.

"Why?"

"She's just nervous," Jim replied.

She gave her a small smile. "You'll be okay; you've done it before."

"I know…but I…I didn't have infamy attached to my name back then. I don't want to be the main attraction at the freak show again," Johanna remarked.

"I don't think you have to worry about that," Jim told her. "Chances are, no one will ask or mention it."

"But what if they do?"

Kate caught her eye. "You tell them that everything that needed said on that topic has been said and is probably still posted online somewhere. You tell them you're there to teach law, not talk about your past unless it pertains to an example from your career during a lesson. But I honestly don't think you need to worry; I don't think they'll ask…they might wonder, but they probably won't ask; and if they do mention something, like I said, tell them it's not up for discussion…or keep in mind that the generation you're dealing with is more open minded than some; chances are they understand and they get it…and maybe with that thought in mind, they'll respect you enough to let it go unspoken."

"I hope so," Johanna replied with a soft sigh. "I feel like maybe I should've waited longer for it to fade further into the past."

Kate chose her words carefully. "I think you can make it fade away faster if you get back out there. You like teaching and you're good at it or Columbia wouldn't have come to you and asked you to take this position. Apparently enough time has passed for them that they're not concerned with putting you into one of their classrooms. I think it'll be good for you to get back to work."

"I guess we'll see," she stated as the waiter appeared to take their order.

After the waiter left their table, Jim looked to Kate. "I told your mother I'll drive her to and from work until she's feeling comfortable with it."

She nodded; the unspoken sentiment of 'she's afraid to go alone because it's January' coming through loud and clear. "You know that if you have any problems or need something, you can call me," she told her mother. "I'll come."

Johanna nodded. "Okay…it's just going to take me a little while to get back in the swing of things. I haven't worked in awhile now."

"You'll be fine," Jim told her. "You've already been working on your lesson plans; I'm sure it'll all feel natural to you again once you're in the classroom. Katie and I are only a phone call away if you need us; but it's going to be fine."

"That's Dad's motto tonight," Kate quipped as she looked to her mother.

Johanna smiled. "Yeah; I know…it's been his motto all day."

"And I haven't been wrong yet," Jim quipped. "How was your day, Katie?"

She sighed a little. "My fiancé was annoying me and Gates sent me home early."

"Why?" her mother asked.

Kate smiled a little. "I believe it was implied that she felt I needed a mental health day…and she's not wrong about that; so I went home…and told Castle to let me be."

"What's going on with you and Rick?" Jim asked.

"Oh he sometimes thinks I'm obligated to tell him every thought in my head so he can fix it to his specifications and when I don't allow that he gets offended and says I'm shutting him out," she said with a hint of exasperation.

"A woman is entitled to keep some things to herself," Johanna replied. "It doesn't mean you love your significant other any less…and you shouldn't be made to feel guilty about it."

"I think that's probably another part of the problem; I don't feel guilty about it and I have a feeling he probably thinks I should…but…"

"But today is personal," her mother said knowingly.

"How did you it was about that?"

Johanna smiled softly. "What else could it be?"

Kate gave a nod. "True…he just doesn't get that some things I have to do on my own and some things can't be fixed by him with some pancakes and constant chatter. He can't fix it at all…it's something I have to do…here with you," she admitted.

"Maybe tomorrow you can explain that to him in a better way," Johanna suggested; "The pressure will have eased and maybe the words can be chosen with more care than they are in the heat of the moment."

"Yeah…but knowing him; it'll still be an issue of 'you shut me out'…and I don't feel like needing time and space sometimes is shutting someone out. It's just something I need for myself some times. I mean I sometimes wonder why he never mentions certain things from his past but I don't force or pry my way into them. I figure if he wants to share it, he will when he's ready."

"Everyone is allowed to have things they don't want to share or discuss," Jim stated. "Tell Rick to relax; that sometimes a man can't fix everything, no matter how badly he wants to; trust me I know. There are many things I wish I could've fixed for your mother through the years but I couldn't…I just had to learn to give her what she needed to get through those times; sometimes it's space, sometimes it's just sitting with her and not saying anything, sometimes its taking her away somewhere. I'm not saying I never coax her into talking, I do…but I try to wait until she's had some time alone with it."

"Is that true?" Kate asked; "Does he not get pushy about talking about everything?"

Johanna nodded slowly. "Yeah; I would say that's true. He does occasionally pick at things when he feels like I really need to get it out…and those are times when I'm probably looking for a fight so it kind of works out as odd as it seems. He doesn't push me a lot when it comes to words…he pushes more when it comes to actions…like getting in the car…I'm pretty sure he pushed me into the car tonight."

"I did not push you into the car," Jim stated.

"I'm pretty sure you did."

"I was giving you a reassuring pat."

"That reassuring pat felt a bit like a push."

"Dad, did you push her?" Kate said in amusement.

"No; I gave her reassurance and helped her into the car."

"Oh, now it's you helped me in," Johanna said; "Sounds like you're changing your story."

Jim shook his head. "You weren't pushed."

Kate glanced at her mother. "Do you want to press charges? I could run him in."

"No, it's more fun for me if I get to be the one to punish him."

Jim grinned at her and patted her knee. "Sounds like fun."

"Please, I'm at the table," Kate stated with a touch of mock disgust. "You two really need a hobby."

"We like the one we've got," Jim remarked. "But your mother is right, just explain to Rick that sometimes you don't need pushed; sometimes you need a quieter show of support…and sometimes you have to find it in other places and that's not taking anything away from him. You know, there are things that Maggie's better at helping your mother with than I am; and I don't take that as a slight or a lack of love or being shunned. I just take it as her needing a friend's perspective, the counsel of another woman. There are times she feels better about something after talking to you; in the past there were times when one of her parents made her feel better about something; and on rare occasions, even my mother could work that magic. Sometimes when she feels better after talking to someone else, she seems to find it easier to talk to me about it…and sometimes she just tells me she feels better and keeps most of it to herself and I respect that."

"He does," Johanna confirmed; "And I don't pry when he needs to talk things out with Jeff or Zach or Andrew. As long as he feels better about something, I'm okay with not always being the one who's able to fix it."

Kate smiled. "I'll keep that in mind. Did you work today, Dad?"

"No," he answered; allowing the subject to change. "I go in late tomorrow morning."

"He was supposed to go today," Johanna said; "But he stayed home with me."

"Nothing wrong with that," Kate remarked. "Who are you working with this time, Dad?"

"Zach," he answered.

"He's sneaking back into the courtroom," Johanna stated.

Her brow rose. "Really?"

"Only as second chair; but the case doesn't go to court until early March."

"Well," Kate said; "Mom's going back to teaching, you're going back to court…"

"You're getting married," Johanna added.

"Yeah," she said with a nod; "I guess we are moving on…even if it didn't really feel like it earlier today."

"That's right, we are," Jim said; "That's why we have to move on from today's stigma…and we are; you've both got color back in your faces."

"Still nauseas though," Johanna replied.

"Food will be here soon, sweetheart. You're stomach will feel better soon."

Johanna figured it was probably her turn to pick a topic so she did her best to ignore her stomach and caught her daughter's eye. "Were you home in time to watch Temptation Lane?"

Jim allowed the women to overtake the conversation with the topic of their favorite soap; glad to just sit back and listen to them as the food was delivered to the table. He spoke when they'd bring him in on one topic or another; or he'd start one of his own if a lull started to full; but mostly he listened…feeling the darkness lift, feeling the tension leave Johanna's body, her smiles frequent and his daughter's laugh full of happiness as they forgot about the reason for their gathering.

He listened as they tried to figure out the recipe of the bread they liked that had been served with their meal; he listened as they discussed if a new job meant that Johanna was entitled to a small shopping spree for a new wardrobe; listened as Johanna subtly asked about flowers for the wedding. He listened to memories that got brought up; the discussions of shows and books. As he listened and occasionally added his two cents; he felt the band around his heart that had been there all day slowly release and he breathed deeply; feeling satisfied that he had gotten them all through it; that he hadn't had to fight Katie to get her to the table; that Johanna had ate her meal and dessert, and took the bite of his he had offered.

When the plates were empty and the drinks finished; Jim smiled at his girls, feeling successful about the evening. "I guess we better be heading home," he stated.

"Yeah; I guess we should," Kate remarked. "Back to work tomorrow for both of us; what are you going to do, Mom?"

"Work on more of my lesson plans," Johanna answered. "I want to make sure I have a good grip on things and get as much ready as I can."

Kate gave a nod. "Work for all of us then."

Jim asked for the check and paid it and then watched as a slight touch of unease flicked across Johanna's face as she scooted out of the booth and put her coat on. He took her hand and gave her a reassuring smile. "Don't worry; I've got you," he told her.

Johanna smiled. "Thank you."

"That's what I'm here for," he replied.

"And don't worry," Kate said; "I'm going to make sure he doesn't push you into the car."

Johanna laughed. "I'd appreciate that."

"We should've carpooled," Jim remarked as they moved toward the door; "Then I could've pushed you both."

"Child abuse, Dad," his daughter replied.

"That's going to be a tough case to make at your age," he remarked as they moved outside.

"Oh, it's snowing," Johanna said, a touch of awe in her voice. "It was still raining when we got here."

"It had turned into flurries by the time I pulled in," Kate told her.

Johanna smiled a little, tipping her face up to watch the snowflakes. "I think tonight I like the snow better than the rain."

"How come?" Jim asked.

"Because in the winter, they say snow cleans the air…and I think we need clean air to breathe tonight."

He slipped his arm around her and pulled her close, his lips brushing against her temple. "I agree, sweetheart."

She smiled, leaning into him as they made their way to their cars. "It makes me think of the night we got engaged too…and that's a much better memory to dwell on."

"Only you two would get engaged in the middle of a snowball fight," Kate quipped.

"Hey," Jim said; "Don't knock it; it's lasted."

"I'm not knocking it," she remarked; "I will say that clearly I wasn't paying any attention earlier or I would've noticed that I parked behind you."

"Its probably better than I didn't know that during dinner," Jim stated; "I would've had to come out and check for scratches given your past parking history."

"Hey; I was sixteen, give me a break."

"I'll think about it," her father quipped.

"Dad," she said; a more serious note in her tone.

"Yeah, Katie?"

"Is it still alright for me to follow you home…you know…peace of mind and all that."

Jim smiled. "Of course it is; we'll say goodnight there."

She gave a nod and a smile; watching from the corner of her eye as he unlocked the passenger door for her mother and then shut it for her before moving around to the driver's side. Seeing her mother safely in the car, she got into her own car and started the engine, waiting for her father to pull out and then following behind him.

* * *

Once they reached the house, Kate went as far as the entry way with them, her heart feeling better knowing that the night had gone smoothly.

"Thanks for coming tonight, Katie," Jim said as he hugged her tightly.

"No problem…I…uh, I didn't think I'd have a good time but I did."

"See, it pays to listen to your father once in awhile," he told her with a smile as he released her.

"I'll try to remember that," she said with an amused smirk before turning to her mother and walking into her embrace.

"I'm glad you came, Katie," Johanna murmured.

"Me too…do you feel better?" she asked her.

She breathed deeply. "Yeah; I do…I didn't think I would, but I do. What about you?"

"Yeah, I do," Kate replied as she hugged her tighter. "I love you."

"I love you too, Katie."

Tears pricked her eyes but she blinked them away. "I'll call you tomorrow," she promised.

"Alright," Johanna said, pressing a kiss to her cheek. "Be careful getting home…let me know you got there safely, okay?"

"I promise," Kate said. "Goodnight, Mom. Goodnight, Dad."

"Goodnight, Katie," Jim replied; "Don't forget to let your mother know you got home."

"I won't; thanks for dinner."

"Anytime," he told her. "Maybe we'll do it again soon."

She nodded and went back out into the cold, feeling lighter than she had all day.

Jim watched her from the door; making sure she got in her car safely and got on her way before he closed the door and locked it and then turned to his wife, moving towards her and pulling her into a hug. "I'm proud of you," he told her.

"I didn't want to do it…but I'm glad you made me," she admitted.

"I told you; I only do it because I love you."

"I know…and I'm glad. I love you too."

He pulled away, his hand finding hers. "Let's make sure Scarlett's taken care of and that the house is locked up and then go upstairs and watch TV…relax for the night, okay?"

Johanna smiled. "Sounds like a good plan."

* * *

Instead of going home to her apartment, Kate let herself into the loft and made her way to Castle's office, hearing the soft clicks of the keys on his computer.

"Hey," he said in surprise as he glanced up and caught sight of her.

"Hey."

"Are you okay?" Castle asked; studying her intently but seeing that her features were void of the heaviness they showcased earlier.

"Yeah; I am," Kate answered. "Thank you for giving me my space; I appreciate it."

He nodded. "I try to give you what you want, Kate."

"I know; and I just want you to know that when I ask you for it; it's not me saying that I don't want you; it's me asking you to help me in the way I need to be helped. Sometimes I need to work on things alone; and sometimes I need to work something out with someone else…and I think you'll find if you can take that not as an affront but as my way of knowing what I need to get better; you'll find that I'll be more willing to be open about it when I'm feeling more in control of it," she told him. "Do you understand what I mean?"

"Yes," he answered; "I do…and I'll try to do better and not jump to the conclusion that you're pushing me away."

"That's all I ask."

He gave her a smile. "Are you staying tonight?"

"Yeah," she said as she pulled her phone from her pocket to send her mother a quick text letting her know that she was safe.

"What did you do today, if it's okay for me to ask?"

"I did mundane things like laundry and straightening things up at my apartment; and I cried, and I wallowed and drank wine, watched TV…and then I went to dinner with my parents."

Castle's brow rose. "Your dad got your mother out of the house?"

"Yeah…there's a minor dispute about whether he literally pushed her into the car, but she went…and he, uh…he talked to us about things we need to do and how we need to get through this day in better ways; and I'm going to admit right now that there may be times when I just need to do that with them, Rick."

"I can understand that, Kate."

She nodded; feeling weary. "Can we talk about it more tomorrow? I'm not avoiding it; I just…I'm tired."

"Yeah; we can talk about it tomorrow. Do you want to watch a movie?"

She sighed softly. "Honestly; I know it's early, but would you mind if I just went to bed? This day kind of drains me and I feel a lot better now after spending some time with my parents but it's starting to hit me."

Castle rose from his chair and moved toward her, capturing her lips in a kiss. "If you need to go to bed, then go to bed; it's fine…and I'm sorry I pushed so much."

"It's okay," she smiled. "We'll learn as we go."

* * *

"Katie got home safely," Johanna announced as Jim entered their bedroom and sat down on the edge of his side of the bed to take off his watch.

"That's good."

Johanna abandoned her seat at her vanity and made her way to him, settling down on his lap, meeting his eye as she did so. "You've been so busy taking care of us that I haven't gotten to ask you how you are," she said softly; "And I should've done that sooner."

He smiled as he shook his head. "You have acknowledged that the day is hard for me too."

"I know…but how are you?"

His thumb brushed across her cheek. "Sweetheart; as long as I can see your face, I'm fine."

She kept her gaze pinned to his. "I feel the same way about you…thank you for tonight."

"You're welcome; you know I'd do anything for you."

"I know; and I'd do anything for you."

"I know."

"So do you feel better?" she asked.

He smiled; his head lowering as he gave into to the urge to press his ear against her heartbeat. She threaded her fingers through his hair, allowing him to listen for a few minutes without remark.

"What can I do to make _you_ feel better?" Johanna asked softly after she felt enough time had passed.

Jim drew in a deep breath, inhaling her scent as he tightened his hold on her, his lips skimming against the soft material of her nightgown that covered her heartbeat. "Just let me hold you all night and I'll be fine," he said quietly.

"I don't have a problem with that; no matter what the date is," she replied softly; her fingers slipping from his hair to skim his face, her lips capturing his in a long slow kiss. "I love you."

"I love you too," he replied before stealing one more kiss.

"Anything else I can do for you?" Johanna asked; "Besides the holding…and making you a nice breakfast in the morning since I fell down on the job today."

He smiled. "You're allowed to take a day off once in awhile."

"But still," she said; "I'll fix you a nice breakfast tomorrow…anything you want."

"Waffles?" he asked.

Johanna nodded. "Waffles, bacon, and scrambled eggs."

"Sounds good," he smiled.

"But what about tonight; anything else I can do to make you feel better…help you breathe easier tonight?"

Jim shook his head. "I just want to do what we do on any night when we decide to come up here earlier than usual…hold you close, watch some old TV show, talk about unimportant things and eventually fall asleep together."

Johanna gave him a smile; he wanted the normalcy that he had been speaking of earlier. "I think we can do that; whose turn is it to pick a show?" she asked as she maneuvered herself off of his lap and onto her side of the bed.

"You can pick tonight," he told her while shifting into his own spot and settling back against his pillows.

She grabbed the remote from the nightstand and flipped through the channels on the television until something caught her attention. "Oh look, it's Alice," she exclaimed; "I haven't seen that in a long time."

"Me neither," Jim replied, a smile touching his lips as he looked at the old sitcom on the screen.

Johanna curled up against his side, laying the remote down on the comforter. "Remember when we would watch this all the time when we were dating?"

"Yeah," he said warmly. "It came on on Wednesday nights; that's the night I always stayed at your place."

"Mhmm."

"You'd make dinner and sometimes we'd do a little work and then we'd curl up on the couch together and watch TV for a few hours…it would be nice and cozy."

"It was…and we always agreed on this show," she said in amusement.

He chuckled. "You're right; we never had to debate this one. I like it; it's funny. My favorite waitress is always going to be Flo though; especially when she tells someone to kiss her grits."

Johanna laughed and he reveled in the sound. "She's my favorite too," she replied.

"You always said their pink uniforms reminded you of the one you wore as a waitress."

She nodded. "It was exactly like that."

"I bet you were cute," he teased.

She smirked at him. "I got pinched a few times."

"Well don't worry; the only person allowed to pinch you now is me," Jim said lightly.

Johanna smiled but her gaze turned serious. "Thank you," she murmured.

"For what?"

"For making that black cloud go away…I don't like being trapped under it."

"I know; I'll always pull you out from under it," he stated, taking her hand and bringing it to his lips for a kiss.

"I'll do the same for you."

"I know you will."

Her gaze met his once more. "We're breathing again?" she asked softly.

Jim gave a nod. "We're still in the learning stages but I think we are…and by this time next year, we'll be breathing even better."

"I hope so."

"We will," he said confidently. "Now let's watch our show and go back to lighter topics that won't invade your dreams tonight."

Johanna smiled and settled snugly against him once more, his arm around her securely. They were learning…but for once she felt like she breathing easier on this day and he gave her hope for a future where it would be even easier…where she could just breathe and let it go; cherish her second chance instead of dwelling on what she lost that day. They would learn and January wouldn't steal their breath again; she had faith and she had hope…and most importantly; she had Jim and Katie to get through it with and they had her. They'd make it…just like they always did.


End file.
